In this episode, my guest Luke Adler and I explore the transformative journey of men's work, delving into the unconscious parts of ourselves that influence our behavior and relationships. Our focus is on fostering deep personal growth, emotional intelligence, and healthier relationships for men.

We often get asked: Why do a men’s retreat? Isn’t one-on-one therapy more effective?

Surprisingly, no! 

The power of a men’s group is that it provides crucial support, fosters vulnerability, and promotes personal development. We identify common barriers to intimacy and offer insights into overcoming these challenges to achieve deeper connections.

In this podcast episode, we compare the benefits of group work in men's circles with traditional one-on-one therapy. Group work offers a sense of community and shared experiences that can be more impactful than individual therapy sessions.

Join us this summer for a transformational Men’s Work Retreat - where you will receive:

Practical Tools to help you become a more compassionate, curious and courageous partner
Presence and mindfulness practices to deepen and stabilize your relationship
Methods to remain in your integrity even when things in life get difficult
Impactful new ways to develop resilience to life’s inevitable ups and downs
Relational leadership and communication skills

27. Why Men’s Work Actually Works, and Exploring the Masculine-Feminine Relationship Dynamic

In this episode, Luke Adler and I explore the crucial skill of repair in relationships—one that can make or break long-term connection. Drawing from my experience with hundreds of couples, I break down how navigating conflict with vulnerability and empathy strengthens intimacy.We discuss how to acknowledge your partner’s feelings without defensiveness, why conflict reveals deeper relationship needs, and how shifting from self-protection to attunement can transform moments of tension. I also share a personal story of struggling with defensiveness in my own marriage and what ultimately led to meaningful repair.Effective repair is a learnable skill—and one we dive deep into in The Intimacy Blueprint. Tune in and start building a stronger, more connected partnership.

The Intimacy Blueprint Preview: Module 4, The Power of Repair in Relationships

In this episode, we explore how men can effectively facilitate repair in their relationships, especially when they need it most. Luke Adler joins me to discuss how cultural conditioning discourages men from recognizing and expressing their needs—often leading to disconnection, resentment, or emotional outbursts.Through personal stories, we highlight the importance of mutual accountability, the pitfalls of passive aggression, and the power of vulnerability in creating a culture of repair. We also discuss how men can navigate resistance when expressing their needs and build the relational skills necessary for deeper intimacy.Join us as we challenge traditional masculinity and encourage men to embrace their emotions for stronger, healthier relationships. And if you want to dive deeper, The Intimacy Blueprint starts April 15th—learn more at beingmen.net!00:00:00 - Introduction to Men's Needs in Relationships00:01:22 - Cultural Conditioning and Vulnerability00:02:50 - Personal Example: The Salt Shaker Incident00:05:08 - The Importance of Mutual Accountability00:05:49 - Passive Aggression and Unmet Needs00:07:40 - Another Personal Example: The Potluck Experience00:10:39 - Navigating Anger and Vulnerability00:11:46 - Challenges in Vulnerability and Repair00:12:55 - The Role of Trauma in Relationship Dynamics00:15:27 - Creating a Culture of Repair00:16:31 - Taking Turns in Repair Conversations00:19:06 - The Importance of Time in Conflict Resolution00:21:19 - Conclusion and Course Announcement

How Men Can Initiate Repair to Build the Relationship they Want

In this episode, Luke and I explore how political differences can create tension in romantic relationships—and how to navigate them with empathy. We discuss the challenges of fixed perspectives, power dynamics, and emotional reactions, sharing practical strategies for fostering understanding instead of conflict.From setting ground rules to practicing "political empathy," we break down how to engage in tough conversations without sacrificing connection. Whether in your relationship, friendships, or family, these insights can help you build stronger, more respectful dialogues.For more tools on deepening communication, check out our upcoming 6-week online course, The Intimacy Blueprint.00:00:00 - Navigating Political Discussions in Relationships00:02:00 - The Volatility of Political Conversations00:05:20 - Power Dynamics in Relationships00:07:10 - The Importance of Connection and Collaboration00:09:00 - Real-Life Example: A Morning Conversation00:12:00 - Establishing Intent in Discussions00:13:30 - Suspending Beliefs for Understanding00:14:15 - The Super Skill of Communication00:18:00 - Choosing Connection Over Self-Righteousness00:20:00 - The Challenge of Meeting Distress00:22:00 - The Intimacy Blueprint: A Path to Relational Growth00:25:00 - Moving Beyond Survival Reflexes00:28:00 - The Effort of Empathy in Relationships00:30:00 - Encouragement for Practicing New Skills00:31:00 - Closing Remarks and Resources

Navigating Political Discussions in Relationships: Ground Rules for Couples

In this episode, we delve into the often daunting world of couples therapy, particularly from the perspective of men who may feel apprehensive. We focus on how men can prepare for and benefit from the process and emphasize that effective therapy goes beyond communication; it requires thinking deeper about relationship dynamics and emotional safety. If you're new to understanding our perspective on long-term, committed relationships, we recommend reading "Wired for Love" or "In Each Other's Care" to build foundational knowledge.We discuss the misconception that therapy is about identifying one partner as "the problem." Instead, we encourage viewing therapy as a chance to understand each other better, recognizing that both partners contribute to the relationship's challenges.We also address the societal pressures that may make men hesitant to seek help, stressing the importance of finding a skilled therapist who fosters balanced dialogue. Men need to identify and express their personal needs in therapy, moving beyond surface complaints to deeper emotional requirements.We highlight the importance of effective repair after conflicts, noting that men often struggle with over-explaining rather than simply acknowledging their partner's hurt. Emotional presence and empathy are crucial for building intimacy.Educating yourself, approaching couple's therapy as a learning opportunity, and engaging in the emotional work necessary for healing are the key steps for getting the most from your couple's therapy work and building more intimacy in your partnership.Thank you for listening, and please share this episode with anyone who might benefit! Good luck out there!00:00:00 - Introduction to Couples Therapy Preparation00:01:00 - Understanding the Need for Communication00:02:00 - Reading Recommendations for Better Understanding00:03:00 - Reframing Couples Therapy as a Learning Opportunity00:04:00 - The Role of the Therapist: Not a Judge00:05:00 - Men's Resistance to Therapy and Power Dynamics00:06:00 - The Importance of Shared Responsibility in Relationships00:07:00 - Expectations from Couples Therapy00:08:00 - Identifying Personal Needs in the Relationship00:09:00 - The Dangers of Not Expressing Needs00:10:00 - The Importance of Effective Repair in Relationships00:11:00 - Understanding Emotional Dynamics in Repair00:12:00 - The Anatomy of Hurt and Its Impact00:13:00 - The Process of Healing and Trust Restoration00:14:00 - The Role of Empathy in Repairing Relationships00:15:00 - Recap of Key Points for Couples Therapy Preparation00:16:00 - Upcoming Programs and Resources for Men00:17:00 - Conclusion and Call to Action

Preparing for Couples Therapy: A Guide for Men

In this episode, I sit down with my co-host Luke to delve into a crucial topic that affects many men today: the struggle to feel competent and fulfilled in their primary relationships. We explore the foundational issues that often hinder men from engaging fully in their relationships, particularly the balance between work, self-care, and emotional presence.We begin by discussing the common dynamic we observe—well-meaning men who work tirelessly to provide for their families, often at the expense of their own emotional and physical well-being. Luke articulates the internal conflict many men face: the fear that prioritizing their well-being will lead to a decrease in their ability to provide financially. This fear is deeply rooted in societal programming that equates a man's worth with his ability to provide.As we navigate this conversation, we highlight the importance of shifting from a fight-or-flight response to a more relaxed, connected state. Luke shares his personal journey of confronting the fear that had gripped him for years, likening it to a frozen state that numbed his ability to feel exhaustion and ultimately led to burnout. He recounts how, through consistent work with other men and a supportive community, he began to thaw out emotionally, allowing him to reconnect with his true self and experience joy in a more embodied way.We emphasize that many men may not even realize they are operating in a state of numbness, as it has become a normalized part of their identity. The conversation touches on the necessity of external support and brotherhood in helping men recognize and confront these layers of numbness and exhaustion.Towards the end of the episode, we discuss practical steps men can take to improve their relationships, starting with self-care. Luke suggests simple yet effective actions, such as booking regular massages or seeking other forms of bodywork, to help men reconnect with their bodies and emotions. We stress that investing in self-care is not just a luxury but a necessity for fostering healthier relationships with partners and children.Ultimately, this episode serves as an invitation for men to reflect on their own experiences and consider how they can begin to prioritize their well-being. By doing so, they can cultivate a deeper emotional presence that enriches their relationships and allows them to show up as more engaged partners and fathers. Join us as we unpack these vital themes and encourage a shift towards a more nourished and fulfilled life.00:00:00 - Introduction to Men's Well-Being00:01:30 - The Conflict Between Well-Being and Providing00:03:30 - The Nervous System Dynamics00:05:00 - Personal Journey of Awakening00:06:30 - Fear as a Driving Force00:08:00 - The Impact of Numbness on Life00:10:00 - The Importance of Brotherhood and Support00:12:00 - Emotional Availability in Relationships00:14:00 - The Foundation of Relational Competence00:16:00 - Resourcing Yourself for Connection00:18:00 - The Male Nourishment Crisis00:20:00 - Practical Steps for Self-Care00:24:00 - Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Beyond Survival: Cultivating Nourishment for Presence & Connection in Relationships

In this episode, my guest, Luke Adler, and I, Ryan Ginn, challenge you to reflect on how the shadow of competence affects your relationships, especially as a man. We share personal stories—like a vulnerable moment I experienced with my partner, Eden, over household chores—and explore how fears of inadequacy can trigger defensiveness and hurt communication. Luke adds humor and insight with his own experiences navigating his wife Emily’s high standards for home management. Together, we unpack the cultural pressures of masculinity that fuel these fears and push you to consider how they might show up in your own life. We offer practical strategies for improving communication, recognizing emotional triggers, and embracing vulnerability as a way to foster deeper connections. We also highlight the power of men’s groups as supportive spaces where you can let go of societal expectations and grow in self-awareness. By facing your imperfections head-on, you can create stronger, more compassionate relationships with your loved ones and yourself.

Navigating the Shadow of Competence in Relationships

Riding Emotional Waves: Unveiling the World of Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

On taking care of all parts of yourself so you can show up fully in your relationship.

Almost every man we encounter in our work has been conditioned to be somewhat dissociative in relationships. They are not fully engaged with themselves; in fact, there are entire aspects of their beings that they are not in touch with, that they were never taught how to be in touch with. 

This ends up being a major touch point for communication breakdown in relationships, because these men aren’t able to embody the balance of self-care and care of others that their family unit requires.

In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade dive into the polarization of the self that occurs for many men as they enter into long-term relationships, and discuss tactics for how to gain greater understanding around the domains of self that have been closed off or somehow inaccessible for so long.

Listen to the full episode to learn more!

SHOW NOTES:

00:00 – Embodying the balance of self care and the care of others
02:14 – Men haven’t been taught how to access and develop all parts of their beings
03:50 – The polarization of the self into different domains
07:20 – Engaging with the physical domain of self-care
11:16 – Your own physical dysregulation trickles down to your relationship and family
12:27 – Practices for tending to your nervous system
14:44 – Developing diverse relationships and emotional outlets
17:43 – Being intentional about your self-cultivation

Domains of Self

On the heels of facilitating a men’s intensive weekend in Ashland, Oregon, Ryan and Slade wanted to delve deeper into the benefits of this kind of concentrated, immersive men’s work. 

As adults, most men don’t realize the degree to which wounded younger parts of them (think the inner child) are impacting their ability to sustain intimate relationships. This inner boy whose needs were not properly met in childhood is getting triggered in both small and great ways every day, setting off a whole array of behaviors that negatively impact his relationships. 

These behaviors, like aggression, defensiveness, mansplaining, tuning out, ‘fixing their partners’—the list goes on and on—are all forms of protection for the boy underneath who is hurting, alone, and generally feeling like he is ‘not enough’. 

So as long as this boy is neglected and buried underneath other protective parts, the man will never step into his vulnerable masculine self and find the intimacy that he longs for. 

Men’s work is a safe and powerful container within which to unpack the past traumas held inside our inner boys, deconstruct them, and discover what we must heal in order to grow into our true masculinity. When you can open yourself up to this inner emotional work, you open the door to improving the dynamics at home. When your partner no longer has to take on the parenting role for your inner child, you can connect much more deeply.

Listen to the full episode to learn more. 

SHOW NOTES:

00:00 – Ryan and Slade share about a men’s intensive program they recently facilitated, and the experiences they witnessed there
04:23 – The beauty and sacredness of the courage to be vulnerable
05:51 – Each man has a unique, core piece of work they must accomplish
07:22 – Creating new reference points: The impact of men’s work on our relationships
10:33 – Misconceptions around what it means to be “truly masculine”
13:20 – Using men’s work to deconstruct our masculine facades 
16:20 – Good men’s work containers are compassionate and flexible, but strong
18:06 – The importance of seeing your inner work and your experiences reflected around you in society

Finding the True Masculine

On maintaining a growthful state of consciousness in your daily life.

Men often cease to emphasize the day-in and day-out practices that will actually make a difference, because they’re waiting for a big experience or breakthrough of some kind that will ignite them and motivate them. 

We want to bring a more critical eye and a constructive approach to how to integrate those moments,  prepare for them, and do the work on a day-to-day basis. 

There’s a sobriety in realizing that no matter how far these experiences and journeys take you, they’ll always drop you back off where you were. You have to come back into your own life and continue doing that work, showing up day after day in the hard moments, to practice something different. 

Listen to hear more from Ryan and Slade on how you can stop waiting for silver bullet experiences and instead start integrating practices for emotional growth into your daily life.

SHOW NOTES:

00:00 – Why just waiting for a “silver bullet experience” to show up isn’t good enough long-term

02:40 – The benefits of men’s groups for continuous support and accountability

06:19 – Taking leadership to create intentionality in your relationship

08:08 – On seeking professional support when needed to improve integration & awareness

08:54 – You can develop a lot of source material through self-guided individual work

11:55 – Becoming aware of your own resistance to growth

Silver Bullet Experiences

On mitigating each other’s trauma responses in conflict.

Periodically, in coupledom, you’re going to do something—or not do something—that elicits a threat response or inflammatory reaction of some kind in your partner. 

The problem is, most people don't know how to effectively handle that response. At that moment, it can seem like a gross overreaction. But you may start to realize that this same response comes up over and over again, and it is actually due to a mixture of unique experiences, traumas, and needs that your partner has faced at various points in their life. 

In working with hundreds of couples over the years, we’ve seen that most people have individual “antidotes”, certain approaches to conflict that can help soothe their frustrations and emotional responses better than others.

In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade dive into the different types of antidotes people can have, and how to effectively implement them to ensure greater empathic communication between both parties.

Listen to learn more!

SHOW NOTES:

00:00 – Ryan and Slade introduce what a partner’s “antidote” means
02:26 – Why our emotional responses are disproportionate to our partner’s feedback
05:06 – Do you want to be right or do you want to be connected?
05:41 – Conceptualizing your partner’s trauma wounds
09:00 – You have to know your partner’s history to understand where they’re coming from
11:30 – Methods of delivering the antidote
15:45 – The importance of slowing down to ensure authenticity
20:08 – Conscious empathic communication requires trial and error
21:30 – Steps to implement this in your own relationship

Finding Your Partner’s Antidote

On consciously challenging your relationship perspective to avoid reinforcing blind spots.

–

In our work, we’ve realized that most men tend to fall into one of two general camps: they are either doing-oriented or being-oriented. 

Those who are more doing-oriented tend to be hyper-focused, solution-oriented, and constantly moving forward. They get things done, and are good at juggling multiple problems while working towards a solution for each. In contrast, being-oriented men tend to need more alone time for introspection, meditation, and thoughtfulness in order to connect with what is being asked of them, and to recognize when things need to be done. 

In reality, we all have a bit of each type in us, but most of us do tend to fall more to one side than the other. 

And one of the common problems that we hear men talking about is, they find it hard  to connect with their partners about their relationship needs and expectations when their current orientation feels misaligned with that of their partner.

In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade dive into the ways of being and orienting in the world that can either help you connect in relationships the way you want or that take you out of balance, and offer solutions to those struggling with achieving a more doing-focused orientation.

Listen to learn more!

SHOW NOTES:

00:00 – On the difference between doing-oriented and being-oriented men

03:54 – Determining which camp you typically occupy, and how it impacts your relationship

05:50 – Ryan shares a personal story about learning to be more conscious of the different orientations experienced in his relationship

10:14 – On letting go of learned stories and expectations

11:21 – Slade shares about his experience learning to de-prioritize his own fixations in relationship

15:22 – The importance of consciously challenging our “versions” of our relationships

18:07 – What men can do at home to start challenging their habits

21:30 – Specific advice for being-oriented men

24:24 – Using boundary-specific work to honor your needs while addressing the root cause of your avoidance

The Pitfalls of Yin and Yang

A discussion on the process of building trust with our partners after a commitment to change.

–

Most men have been given behavioral feedback from their partners at some point. And when we are able to recognize this feedback as something that necessitates a change on our part, no matter how much we also believe in the need for that change, the implementation can be an incredibly vulnerable process.

Another problem arises when men try to make a change in their behavior, but they don’t get the result they want instantly from their partner.They think that they failed, or they weren’t good enough, or they didn’t try hard enough, and their instinctive reaction is to give up. 

But it’s important to understand that when our partners provide us feedback that has to do with them feeling neglected, or feeling that we haven’t been pulling our weight, their hurt isn’t going to be easily repaired. Your partner won’t turn on a dime just because you try once; they’ve organized their defenses and they need time to see you show up again and again before they can begin to relax and believe in the consistency of your presence.

It requires a lot of stamina and fortitude on your part to bear your partner’s feelings, hear them, and let them be healed. It’s hard, yes, but if every man gave up at this point, it would cause a lot of viable relationships to fail unnecessarily.

So what do you as a man do to ensure you are able to show up consistently for them? 

Listen to learn more!

SHOW NOTES:

00:25 – Losing traction: The patterns of defensiveness men regress into when their attempts aren’t successful
03:22 – Slade discusses the healing sequence that partners must follow in response to negative feedback
06:15 – Understanding and mitigating the emotions that arise when you don’t get the response you think you deserve
08:40 – How to set up the conversation in a thoughtful, distraction-free way
10:35 – Sticking with your commitment to new behaviors during the trust-building period
13:44 – Practice self-compassion: Emotionally preparing yourself for the long-haul
14:54 – Work together to break the conversation into manageable pieces
17:33 – Your new behaviors aren’t just about you: Both partners are learning and growing

Deeper Listening & Presence

As we phase out of childhood and into the first phases of being an adult, most men need to undergo a lot of personal growth. There is a need for a personal deepening, a better understanding of self, that will help us form healthier communication patterns and vastly improve our ability to engage in long-term intimate relationships. 

This work is an ongoing process, and most men have received feedback at some point or another from their partners, families, and friends about deeply-entrenched habits that they need to change. 

And yet, men don’t like to change. 

As a relationship goes on, the need to impress or please our partner falls onto the back burner. We enter a state of sleepiness, where we don't ever let ourselves feel a raw sense of urgency around the things our partners need us to work on. It’s not necessarily that they don’t want to change, or that they don’t understand their partner’s desires. Rather, it’s that there’s no internal drive for men to change themselves. Instead, men fall easily into a state of complacency in relationship. 

In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade discuss why we find ourselves in this state, and how you can work to restore vitality to your relationship by overcoming your natural tendency towards complacency. 

Listen to learn more!

SHOW NOTES:

00:27 – Slade introduces the problem of complacency faced by men in relationships
01:55 – Defeatism: Many men are in denial about their lack of relationship contribution
03:46 – The methods and vices men use to stay in complacency
05:26 – Tending our own fires: How to start moving from complacency to inquiry
07:30 – Our habitual distractions are trying to protect our vulnerability
10:01 – We dampen our life force through too much self-soothing
12:41 – Recognizing vs. unpacking the problem: what can we do today?
14:43 – Maintaining our proactivity takes conscious effort from two perspectives
16:36 – Ryan shares a personal story about handling complacency in his relationship
20:33 – Embrace the journey as a process of lifelong inquiry

Overcoming Complacency in Relationships

Many men struggle with opening up difficult conversations with their intimate partners because they fear the inherent vulnerability of that act. To communicate a need is to risk receiving judgment or negativity from our partner in response, and often, it’s easier to ignore the need entirely so as not to have to ask our partner for things. 

But giving in to this fear of vulnerability perpetuates avoidance of the things that need to be discussed in relationships. Ignoring our own needs in favor of keeping the relationship smooth only leads to a build up of resentment and anger, and in the worst case, an eventual dissolution of the relationship bond. 

Join Ryan and Slade as they discuss the types of emotional blocks men face when trying to open a conversation around their needs, and how they can be overcome.

SHOW NOTES

00:27 – Slade discusses the challenge associated with opening a “needs” conversation

02:20 – Ryan shares a personal story about overcoming his avoidant communication patterns

06:30 – How the fear of vulnerability perpetuates avoidance

09:30 – Providing context when either requesting time or responding to your partner’s request for time

12:53 – The importance of collaboration when bringing forth your needs

16:01 – Ryan shares an example of how providing context helped resolve a needs discussion without negativity

18:40 – Ryan and Slade provide some tools for applying a collaborative approach in your own relationship

Communicating What You Want

On creating a conversation around intimacy needs in relationships.

As men, we were never taught how to navigate the complexities of a healthy, successful sex life in long-term relationships. It’s something we are often left to figure out ourselves, with no real guidance around how to understand, respect, and prioritize both our own and our partner’s individual needs. As a result, many men feel unable to fully express their desires and needs around sex, which leads to communication breakdown and decreased intimacy over time.

In this episode of The Crux, join Ryan and Slade as they discuss the do’s and don’ts of approaching a conversation around intimacy needs with your partner. 

SHOW NOTES:

00:00 – Why the conversation around intimacy is difficult to bring up in relationships

03:41 – A lack of sexual education in adolescence requires many men to play catch-up as adults

05:40 – Ryan discusses the importance of taking inventory of all your partner’s context clues before engaging in a conversation around your needs

07:30 – Helping your partner feel connected to you beyond the scope of physical intimacy

08:37 – Ryan and Slade introduce the key pieces of setting up a conversation around intimacy

10:36 – On vulnerably receiving your partner’s feedback without getting defensive
13:21 – Letting intimacy build: Stop focusing on the “now”

16:49 – Spontaneity arises when women feel seen and acknowledged

20:13 – Setting the scene to communicate your needs requires understanding theirs first

22:13 – Own your contributions to the blocks that exist around your intimacy

Talking About Sex

Most men have some form of emotional wounding, sustained in childhood, that is carried with them over the years and affects their adult relationships in different ways. In many cases, these woundings come from a mother’s best attempts to meet a child’s ever-changing needs. 

It is a fact that sometimes parents fail, and when they do, it can cause feelings of anger and resentment to arise within the child who doesn’t understand why their needs haven’t been met in the way they want.

In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade discuss how their communication skills have evolved as they’ve worked through their parental wounds, and the effects this work has had on their marriages. 

Listen to learn more!

SHOW NOTES:

00:00 – Ryan discusses how failures of attunement from childhood follow us to our adult relationships

03:20 – Slade discusses how we can’t get the version of our partner we want if we project caregiver responsibilities on them 

04:51 – Ryan and Slade discuss the resentment that arises from putting implicit expectations on your partner

07:08  – Slade shares an example of how experiences with his parents influence his present-day communication with his wife 

11:22 – Ryan shares a story about how his wild streak as an adult comes from tensions with his mother

14:12 – Ryan and Slade discuss creating space in the relationship to avoid projecting responsibility on one’s partner

15:49 – Slade talks about the importance of consistently showing up for the relationship bond over time

Mommy Issues

On conquering the fear of being known.

Men often have a hard time opening up to their partners about what’s happening for them internally. Anxiety, fear, and other similar emotions are scary for  men to face alone, let alone in the presence of others. So, too often, they decide to bottle these feelings up instead of trusting their partner to see them and love them in all their vulnerability. 

Although it may be uncomfortable to share deeply and openly with your partner, a much larger pain is incurred by withholding emotional pain and hardship. Men only end up hurting themselves and  their relationships by choosing not to be forthcoming with their life partners. 

Listen to this episode of The Crux to hear Ryan and Slade discuss the importance of intentional, actionable forthcomingness in relationships, and some practices you can start applying to your own life. 

SHOW NOTES:

00:51 – Ryan and Slade introduce the concept of forthcomingness as a daily practice

01:33 – Slade discusses how being physically present with your partner isn’t enough

03:58 – Men aren’t conscious of how their tendency to withhold and withdraw affects their partners

05:19 – The shadow-parent: Projecting old parental wounds onto our partners

07:59 – Recognizing a lack of forthcomingness can open the door to healing

09:02 – Reconditioning your daily practices to invite honesty and openness

10:39 – Ryan shares a personal story about engaging in forthcomingness with his partner

15:21 – Slade discusses the importance of intention and awareness in forthcomingness

19:38 – Intimacy falters when one partner isn’t open to being known

Forthcomingness

On the ups and downs of navigating parenthood as a partnership.

Fatherhood is different for every man, and parenting is different for every couple, but there are some common threads often experienced by most fathers. 

Hearing other parents’ perspectives and experiences can help fathers feel less alone on their own parenting and relationship journeys. So with this in mind, in this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade take turns speaking about their experiences with fatherhood, and how their perspectives have grown and evolved with time.

We hope you enjoy!

SHOW NOTES:

01:04 – Ryan talks about feeling disoriented when beginning his fatherhood journey

03:30 – Ryan discusses how his relationship suffered from a disconnect during parenting

07:04 – Ryan and Slade discuss the egoic perspective fathers often experience in parenting

09:30 – Ryan and Slade discuss the exterior validation many fathers crave, and how to handle not receiving it

13:41 – Slade discusses the different versions of himself he sees in day-to-day parenting moments

19:13 – Slade talks about what he’s learned from moments of lost control or frustration

23:00 – Ryan talks about how different being a family is from any other aspect of adult life

Lessons from Fatherhood

At the core of a lot of problems men have in relationships is that we don’t know how to properly deal with our pain. 

When we can’t actively relate to our pain, we shut ourselves off from emotional presence and withdraw into ourselves to try to cope with the pain rather than attend to it in a healthy way. As a result, we become inaccessible to our partners. 

Now, we all live with a certain amount of pain every day, some more than others–we all have various amounts of physical and emotional distress accompanying us within our bodies. And it’s natural to want to avoid feeling this pain, by either numbing ourselves or by compartmentalizing our feelings so that they don’t build up in the same way. 

In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade dive into the topic of chronic pain to provide men with tactics for opening themselves up to healthy emotional engagement with their partners rather than shutting them out. 

Listen to learn more!

SHOW NOTES:

00:00 – Pain is a natural part of life for men
02:16 – The first noble truth of Buddhism: Acknowledging the existence of our pain
03:00 – Meditation allows men to purposely visit the pain points they typically erase or ignore
04:44 – Letting the raw sensations from meditation bring you into presence
05:47 – Engaging in real presence with your partner is what makes the relationship viable
07:07 – Filling the space to avoid fixating on negative feelings
08:09 – How meditation can become uncomfortable for men
10:12 – Taking inventory: Start noticing your distractions
11:36 – Test yourself: How long can you stay with a feeling of hurt, sadness, or negativity?
12:06 – Connect: Share what you’ve discovered with your partner
12:39 – Your life and happiness are in your hands
14:07 – Slow down to go fast

Pain and Meditation

A common struggle among many men these days is the feeling of being inadequate in our partner’s eyes. We work hard for our families, we show up for our kids, and we focus on being a present partner and husband. 

But no matter how much effort we put in around the house or for our partners, it never feels like enough. We feel disconnected from our partners, we are constantly feeling negative feedback from them, and we feel like we just can’t win.

This is actually a significant reason why many men are attracted to men’s work. They know they are good men, and their hearts are in the right place, but they don’t understand why that isn’t enough for their partners. 

Listen to this episode of The Crux to hear Ryan and Slade discuss the symptoms of “Good Guy” Syndrome, and how you can break out of this cycle to begin engaging more honestly and openly with your partner about each other’s needs. 

SHOW NOTES:

00:00 – The Good Guy Syndrome: It’s all about “me”, not “we”
02:46 – We think we deserve recognition for things that don’t actually fulfill our partner’s needs
04:15 – You’ll never be a perfect partner
05:07 – Your efforts inhibit real connection when they come from the “Good Guy” perspective
08:22 – “Good Guy” symptoms often shows up when men get stuck in the friend zone
09:37 – Showing up in service vs. showing up in connection
10:24 – Breaking the “Good Guy” cycle by slowing down and inviting curiosity
13:01 – Take charge and be directorial in how you respond to feedback
15:44 – Falling into avoidant tendencies amplifies negative emotions and strengthens feelings of inadequacy
16:36 – Close the loop: Take space to unpack the situation, but following up later is required

"Good Guy" Syndrome

Something almost everyone has experienced at some point while in a relationship is the feeling of being attracted to someone other than your partner. 

This experience affects both men and women equally, and it is completely normal. In fact, attraction is ours first–it should be considered sacred & personal, and not something that has  to be shared. Despite this, many people feel compelled to bring their attractions up to their partners, because not to do so feels dishonest. 

The problem is, many men are not sure when to bring up this topic, or how to do so with tact and compassion for their partner.

In this episode of the Crux, Ryan and Slade dive into the subject of physical attraction and how it can affect our relationships–in both positive and negative ways. 

Listen to learn more.

SHOW NOTES:

00:46 – The Self-to-Self conversation: Understanding your feelings first
03:58 – Start with internal inquiry and validation 
07:39 – The Self-to-Other conversation: What action will best serve our relationship’s bond?
10:07 – Surface-level attraction can inspire deeper exploration in relationships
14:26 – Giving yourself permission to falter and fail
15:16 – Have tact and compassion: Prioritizing the relationship bond
17:50 – Put yourself in their shoes: Doing your own work first
18:34 – Engaging with your partner on a humorous level
20:16 – Slowing it down and looking ahead vs. Taking risks and plunging in

Understanding Attraction

When your partner feels triggered, you may find their emotional outbursts cause you to feel triggered, too. This is a common issue in relationships, and it can become a difficult cycle wherein your frustrations only serve to frustrate your partner further, and vice versa. 

A common question we get from men is, how can I help my partner in those moments, without succumbing to my own frustrations and emotional triggers? How can I put my own needs aside in the moment, and instead help them work through what’s bothering them?

In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade discuss some tools you can use to help individually turn the tide of these emotionally-charged moments, shifting them towards mutual understanding and connection rather than towards resentment.

SHOW NOTES:

00:00 – Breaking the “Trigger Cycle”: Choosing not to fight fire with fire
02:30 – The natural tendency towards defense 
04:18 – Your generosity comes back around: Finding a “Total Maturity Moment”
06:42 – Step 1: Noticing patterns and deciding not to act
08:31 – Step 2: Making space for the most mature version of you to come forth
10:18 – Step 3: Showing your partner that you are a friend
12:53 – Ryan shares a personal story about employing this method in his own relationship
16:01 – Slade shares his perspective on his own relationship
17:09 – Learning comes with experimentation: Slow down and be available
19:23 – Relationship work drives your own growth

Helping Your Partner When They're Triggered

It would be nice if our partner were able to give us feedback in a vulnerable, compassionate way, but it is unrealistic to expect this 100% of the time. This being said, there are things we can do, as the receiver of the frustrated feedback, to help stop the cycle of retraumatization that we perpetuate each time we trigger each other. And these can be done regardless of whether or not our partner is able to deliver their feedback in a nice way. 

Listen as Ryan and Slade discuss a practice that is essential to creating long-term viable relationships: the practice of hearing what your partner is saying in their frustration, anger, or shortness, and of slowing down enough to answer, is there some truth in what they’re saying?

SHOW NOTES:

03:00 – Slade describes a recent experience receiving feedback at home.
07:49 – Managing one’s own reactivity: Own what you can own.
11:40 – Acknowledging your partner’s feelings regardless of your own.
13:02 – Creating a cycle of generosity.
14:57 – The critical importance of authenticity in apologies.
17:13 – Apologizing without blame helps your partner soften, too.
18:41 – Own your part without waiting for, or expecting, them to join in.
20:11 – FTT: Finding The Truth.
21:07 – Make failure a comfortable word.
21:50 – Acknowledging and accepting all the voices within you.
23:40 – Vocalizing what you heard your partner say.
28:10 – Prepare for the fact that you might not get the response you want.
29:41 – This process is not one-size-fits-all.

Managing Your Own Reactivity

If you’ve listened to the last couple of podcast episodes, you may be wondering, what exactly is a “Crux” in this context? How does this relate to my relationship and my interactions with my partner?

Cruxes are the obstacles, issues, and stumbling blocks that come up in relationships, usually to do with our emotional perceptions of ourselves and our weaknesses. Some cruxes seem larger or more significant than others, but regardless of size, they are important to recognize and move through as a team in order to preserve the health of the relationship long-term. 

Listen to hear Ryan and Slade discuss some of the common cruxes faced by men, and how you can begin to tackle them.

SHOW NOTES:

00:00 – The Crux is the Heart of the matter
01:30 – Defining the essential themes of relationship issues
02:28 – Common cruxes for men: Feeling “enough”
05:21 – Am I lovable? Do I belong?
06:33 – Changing behavior is difficult if you’re not in conversation around the causes
07:15 – Hear Ryan share about his own primary crux
10:47 – Hear Slade also share his personal experience
14:07 – Dance with the one that brung you
15:31 – Rinse and repeat: Practices you can do at home
18:30 – Tracking your progress through community

What "Crux" Means to Us

One of the chronic complaints many guys get from their partners is a lack of presence. 

This lack of presence typically shows up in the form of distance, being “checked out”, aloofness, or similar feelings, but the truth is, it’s actually the result of not being able to swim both in and out of the emotional plane. 

For many men, emotions are a foreign language, and when this is the case, it's difficult to create space for the emotions of others. Getting external support often allows you to develop greater self-intimacy and awareness that can be brought back to your partner.

Listen in as Ryan & Slade cover why it’s so difficult to stay present to all that is happening as a man, and how to overcome this to create more depth, intimacy and connection in your relationship. 

SHOW NOTES:

00:00 – Ryan and Slade discuss the natural defenses that arise when faced with our own impact on our partners

03:51 – Hear Ryan’s personal story about his capacity to be present in relationships, and how it impacted his partner in the past.

07:49 – How our inner selves try to stop undesired experiences, but often end up making the situation worse.

09:11 – The importance of slowing down and taking the time to create presence

10:30 – You don’t have to do it alone: How the emotional work of men’s groups and therapy helps men rewire their reflexive patterns 

11:35 – Practices you can try today to begin unraveling your presence in yourself and your relationship

Disassociation, Dismissiveness and Distance: The Inability to be Present in Men

Welcome to The Crux! 

We are Ryan Ginn and Slade Machamer, and in our new podcast we will be tackling the most important questions around men's experiences in relationships, with the goal of giving men real, concrete steps to help them move out of frustrating places and towards feeling more confident in their relationships. 

We are so glad to have you along for the ride!